Just a girl trying, once again, too hard to be good at everything I do. I go left, go right, go back, but never ever get anywhere in particular, and nowhere near where I truly wanted to be. But how to get there? How to choose one single thing to follow? How to choose a dream, one of a thousand I'd dream every night.
Today, in this special crappy day, I'd realized something, as I went to one of my favourite places in the world and it crossed my mind "what the f*ck am I doing here?"; and how could I think anything else? Everyone there is so good. It never crossed my mind that it was because that is all they ever do. It is their priority. They gave everything up, well, maybe they didn't give anything up, for it was their dream. Maybe they never had a chance to dream other dreams. Maybe they did. But they made a choice and never looked back. I could never give anything up. Perhaps I should start.
Adrian told me, and he is (or was?) just like me. Had to do everything, and do it perfectly. It is so stressful, he said. And once he chose what he was going to do, it made it all easier. He knew exactly what he had to do to get where he wanted, and it was in one point of focus. Easy. All he had to do is give up everything else. I can do it. Right.
Moving... to another country. Easy, right? Maybe easier because Tim is going to be there with me, helping me anyway he can, not to be miserable. And I could never be miserable when I am with him. At least I don't think so. Not right now. Not ever.
Maybe all I need is in fact this change... this going away, getting away from all that influences me to make certain choices, certain random things I usually do out of habit. If I get out of my natural habitat, I can no longer be a creature of habit, can I? Of course, I will develop new habits, new hobbies, but it won't be the same, will it?
Somehow I feel a tinge of hope, a small sliver of something oddly coming true, something new happening. I want to go to college again, audition, follow a dream. My dream. If only money wasn't an issue, if only I won the frikkin lottery. That would be sweet. But that is a dream with, I want to think less chance, but maybe it's the same chance, of coming true.
And regardless of where I end up, if I aim high, I've got to land high as well, so says Charles. He is one of the people with the best insights on my life, but one that never ever tried to influence me towards something I did not desire to begin with. Even when I chose to take the chance at Wushu, and I know (as everyone else does) that he hates it. Completely. He still said "Well, if that's what you want...". Suddenly it is not what I want. I am getting tired of the injuries and the hits I take on my self esteem every time someone else does something amazing that I am years away from. It somehow was different with Shaolin. I used to fit in, even though I was right in the middle of the age groups. Everyone else that does it is either much younger or much older than me. But they all look my age, the older ones. I guess Kung Fu has that effect on people. It keeps you from aging.
Thursday was the most amazing training day... Charles, Apu and Jaime were all helping me at the same time, hilarious! Well, I guess you could say Apu was just nodding and watching, but he is a judge, and he will be a judge in the competition April 11th. A competition I will have to forfeit due to my Wisdom Surgery. F*uck, I am scared sh*tless of this. Plus, I never ever wanted to have my face swollen like a basketball again! It was bad enough when I had the mumps last year and was in bed for 20 f*cking days. Enough is 'nough.
And so, I guess the overall message is that, even if training is my priority now -- I am well aware of the fact that the club where I am moving sucks, so I will have to open my own or something -- it may not be my priority later, neither it should be. But I know that, some way or the other, it will always be a part of my life. It keeps me sane. And if I somehow lose the tiny bit of sanity left in me, I will end up in a padded room. Seriously.
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